10.04.2004
I'm alone, for really the first time in 10 years...ever since Jess, I guess.
I have nobody to approach about anything. I have no shoulder to cry on, no arms to have embrace me if I have a problem.
Em is leaving me...well, has left me, as of last night. She's unhappy, and I've been unhappy for three years (she thinks I've been depressed ever since she met me). My unhappiness has basically exhausted her, and she can't handle me anymore.
So, she's getting out before she goes insane. And that leaves me to my own insanity.
It's funny that I can't talk to anyone about this, and yet I can write it down for the world to see. Then again, nobody knows this exists anymore, so it's cool, I suppose.
I'm so unsure about myself...the term social anxiety has been bounced around...and yet, I can't relate to anyone about it. There's nobody I really KNOW, other than Craig, and while I'm comfortable hanging out and being his friend, I'm just not comfortable with my feelings. It's not his fault; I know he's very supportive and understanding.
I'm not comfortable with my feelings regarding ANYONE. Em couldn't take that, I suppose...I couldn't discuss my feelings with HER.
The only person, it appears, that I am somewhat comfortable discussing them with is Brenna, and I don't get to talk to her a lot. And she's moving out of the area, and I'll most likely lose contact with her forever.
My heart is affecting my brain to the point of sensory overload. I don't know how much I can take of this; I'm a very patient person when it comes to emotional meltdown, but it appears that has caught up with me.
Right now, my life is in suspended animation, and I'm running in place. The inertia of my emotions, of my volatile state of mind, may damn well destroy me.
I wish I could say this was just creativity.
This is me.
I am every emotion known to mankind, wrapped into one and ready to explode in many different colors, all of them gray.
You thought you knew, but you have no idea.
I'm not sure I do either.
I have nobody to approach about anything. I have no shoulder to cry on, no arms to have embrace me if I have a problem.
Em is leaving me...well, has left me, as of last night. She's unhappy, and I've been unhappy for three years (she thinks I've been depressed ever since she met me). My unhappiness has basically exhausted her, and she can't handle me anymore.
So, she's getting out before she goes insane. And that leaves me to my own insanity.
It's funny that I can't talk to anyone about this, and yet I can write it down for the world to see. Then again, nobody knows this exists anymore, so it's cool, I suppose.
I'm so unsure about myself...the term social anxiety has been bounced around...and yet, I can't relate to anyone about it. There's nobody I really KNOW, other than Craig, and while I'm comfortable hanging out and being his friend, I'm just not comfortable with my feelings. It's not his fault; I know he's very supportive and understanding.
I'm not comfortable with my feelings regarding ANYONE. Em couldn't take that, I suppose...I couldn't discuss my feelings with HER.
The only person, it appears, that I am somewhat comfortable discussing them with is Brenna, and I don't get to talk to her a lot. And she's moving out of the area, and I'll most likely lose contact with her forever.
My heart is affecting my brain to the point of sensory overload. I don't know how much I can take of this; I'm a very patient person when it comes to emotional meltdown, but it appears that has caught up with me.
Right now, my life is in suspended animation, and I'm running in place. The inertia of my emotions, of my volatile state of mind, may damn well destroy me.
I wish I could say this was just creativity.
This is me.
I am every emotion known to mankind, wrapped into one and ready to explode in many different colors, all of them gray.
You thought you knew, but you have no idea.
I'm not sure I do either.
